The last conversation I had with my husband was 3 nights ago when he called me from the treatment center he is at. After a lot of silence on my part while we were on the phone, he said that it didn't sound like I had much to say so he would let me go. I told him that because he is denying his infidelity that I recently found out occurred during our separation, I just don’t have anything to say anymore because I have reached a point where I can't move forward now. If he isn't going to be honest with me about the infidelity, then I can't even try to come to any decision about what to do. I cannot support him anymore through his "attempt" at recovery because of my feelings about the cheating. And I know he is not going to admit to the cheating because he has always known my feelings about that… and there is just no excuse. He might be able to offer me explanations, but it won’t justify what he has done... his betrayal!
And it's no help that he is complaining about everything about the treatment center he is at, in my opinion, in the hopes that I will say "oh what a terrible situation you are in, let me come get you out of that place". He is in one of the best treatment centers in the northern region and I know this.
I talked to his counselor at the treatment center and she said that he is not participating in group at all, and he is either minimizing his addiction or just straight out lying about it or omitting parts of it altogether. When he checked in I was given a questionnaire to fill out and the counselor asked me what part of my answered questionnaire I was okay with her sharing with him, and I told her that she could hand him the whole thing to read for himself (but to make a copy of it first because he would probably end up ripping it into shreds). I was honest with everything that I wrote. At this point, I think she needed to work off of my questionnaire in order to really start to put him in the "hot seat" about his denial and lies since he has been there.
I was also informed from his counselor that our insurance will only cover a 20 day stay, so he is scheduled to be released on September 16th. I'm not sure where he will go when he gets out. He has no family or friends that will be there to support him, other than a few addict friends, but they can't even take care of themselves, so they aren't going to be able to help take care of him. He has no job. He has no money. His car broke down about a week before he entered rehab. He has no cell phone anymore, because I had been paying that bill, but have decided I am not doing that any longer... that's not my responsibility.
I am worried about him when he gets out, and I don't want to have to bury him, but there is nothing else I can do because I have completely worn myself down to a point I never knew existed for me, emotionally and physically... and I have to take care of me and take care of my kids. I just hope he doesn't show up at my doorstep because I really can't deal with this anymore. I want to be happy again and I don't think that's asking too much!
Marilyn~
